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Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for submitting your most recent invention. Very impressive. However, we do not anticipate a growing market for self-tapping shoes at this time.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
A pair of two left loafers for awkward people with two left feet is an intriguing idea, but we are going to pass on it.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Though stylish as they may be, the U.S. Army Procurement Department is not quite sold on your design for open toed combat boots.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
In regards to your beeping saddle shoes for walking backwards. …

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· “Lori Loughlin Asks for Passport Back Following College Admissions Scandal Prison Sentence” — Then it’s straight to International House of Pancakes.

· “Jennifer Lopez Admits She and Alex Rodriguez Went to Therapy Amid COVID-19 Pandemic — “ “…and then, Doctor, I caught him fist bumping the cabana girl.”

· “Justin Timberlake Apologizes to Ex Britney Spears and Janet Jackson After Backlash” — “And while I’m at it, I take full responsibility for being the lookout at a Citibank® heist in 2003.”

· “Former Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Calls Dale Moss and Clare Crawley Split ‘Disappointing’” — Question: How long can…

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· The only time I’ve felt comfortable in a crowd was at my intervention.

· Show me a lonely billionaire, and I’ll show you someone incapable of building a robot friend.

· I know I should love myself, but I’m not ready for a committed relationship.

· I cried because I had no shoes until someone said, “You have lovely toes.”

· I don’t like to rush people. Whenever I take someone’s picture, I always say, “Count to 250 and say cheese.”

· Bad conversation starter: Nice shopping cart. Where did you steal it?

· You are on a train…

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South Dakota Republican Rep Dusty Johnson asked his constituents to decide whether he should receive the COVID-19 vaccine now or wait until it is widely available. The response has been so strong, Johnson has decided to poll his voters on other issues.

· “Should I order pepperoni or sausage on my pizza”?

· “If my wife is out and I get a phone call asking, ‘Is the woman of the house is there,’ should I say no or fake a woman’s voice and say, ‘This is she.’”

· “Hypothetically speaking, if my political opponent claims he has a video of…

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· Move the children’s table out to the tool shed.

· Point obnoxious relatives, who expend potentially lethal particles while explaining why Trump actually won the election, in the direction of an open window.

· Warm chestnut stuffing is very pliable. Still, covering your face with it is no substitute for a mask.

· Always get tested before and after cranberry sauce wrestling.

· During family Zoom gatherings, make sure the children leave the room before Uncle Jeffrey Toobin logs on.

· Don’t share food or drink with anyone. As an added precaution, dogs should drink out of separate toilets.

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· “I don’t like make excuses, but Hitler had more support in his bunker.”

· “Dammit! I won’t be able to appoint the first Hell’s Angels member to a cabinet position.”

· “I was very specific about this: I wanted an October, not December surprise!”

· “Did Fauci just give me the finger on CNN?”

· “Rudy says we can still void all the California votes.”

· “I don’t understand it; we had such great hats.”

· “New retroactive executive order: We sold Pennsylvania to Portugal.”

· “I told you we should’ve used the pictures of Hunter Biden with Jane…

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· Contrary to what you may think, there is actually someone who understands less about modern technology than your parents.

· Being unable to hug and shake hands online isn’t the worst thing that can happen.

· Attorney Toobin will never again be able to ask, “Would you like to see my briefs?”

· Zoom needs to create a second Mute button labeled “CLICK AND LEAVE THE ROOM.”

· We should be thankful CNN always shot talking head Toobin from the neck up.

· You can do a lot worse than Anthony Weiner.

· If Zoom existed in 1925, lawyer…

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These should have you covered for any situation.

· You need to get into counseling.

· Maintaining a long-distance relationship requires extra effort. If you can’t afford airline tickets, consider flying as freight.

· It may never be easy for her to accept you dressing as a woman. Try meeting her half way; go with a more butch look.

· To calm your husband down, rub his belly.

· To calm your dog down, rub his belly

· Sending a wedding gift is not necessary if the bride’s family is responsible for you being deported back to Guatemala.

· You…

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· Emily Wells ’72 — After procrastinating for many years, I’m finally taking kazoo lessons.

· Jacob Stein ’68 — I found my other pair of glasses.

· Ernie Wallis ’10 — My wife and I joined a progressive political action committee which turned out to be a cult. It also partially explains why I’m writing this note with my own blood.

· Cynthia Hastings ’12 — We adopted a beautiful Labrador retriever named Bailey and are now in a legal battle with its birth mother.

· Nicholas Page ’78 — This year marks the twenty-fifth year our son has…

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Speed dating is a great way to quickly meet a lot of potential mates. Why spend an evening getting to know one person who likes candle-lit dinners and long walks on the beach when you can meet ten or twenty?

Neil, a freelance card counter from Reno, Nevada has one gone one step further. He has embraced speed relationships. “I enjoy companionship, but I’m basically a solitary person who needs his own space. After 90 minutes with someone, I’m ready to move on, go home and stare into the abyss.”

Now, using dating apps, he’s had over 1000 fulfilling relationships…

Ben Alper

Ben Alper has written for late night comedians and many others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

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