She — I’m not ashamed of having a smoking hot nose. Sure, there are down sides; like always having to tell guys: “Hey, my eyes are up here, no, up another inch.” And people are constantly asking if I’ve had an implant. Hell no, I was born schnoz-alicious.

Jealous friends can be cruel, but I always say, don’t hate me because I have a sizzling snoot. If you’ve got it, flaunt it — and during the cold and flu season, blow it.

He — When God created me, he must’ve said, “Give him the Jamie Farr and don’t skimp.” I’m…

I admire super heroes for using their super powers to fight bad guys, stand up for the less-than-super folks and generally help mankind when mankind needs a helping iron fist.

I also believe that, given their exemplary service to society, super heroes are entitled, now and then, to use their super human gifts for purely selfish gain. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who spends 24/7 fighting evil deserves some occasional super hero me time.

Yes, doing good for your fellow man should be a reward in and of itself. Still, there should be a few other benefits.

I have…

I’m finally learning to love myself. It’s been a long journey. At first, I wouldn’t give myself the time of day. Gradually, though, I loosened up and gave me a chance.

It began with a magical night to remember. After months of gathering my strength, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and popped the question: “Would I care to have dinner with me?” How could I refuse? Looking back, I realize I should have asked sooner. The answer would have always been yes.

I didn’t play easy, though. It was my third date before I gave me a…

Years from now when a descendant searches for his or her ancestors using one of those DNA kits and my name pops up, will I do them proud?

Perhaps it’s time for me to get my legacy in order. The question is how?

· Should I launch an expedition in search of a long, lost continent or hike to the nearest neighborhood with an outstanding coffee shop?

· Maybe it’s time I cancel my upcoming appearance on “Hoarders.”

· It might also be the time to finally unfriend Geraldo Rivera on Facebook.

· Should I burn every unflattering picture of…

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for submitting your most recent invention. Very impressive. However, we do not anticipate a growing market for self-tapping shoes at this time.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
A pair of two left loafers for awkward people with two left feet is an intriguing idea, but we are going to pass on it.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Though stylish as they may be, the U.S. Army Procurement Department is not quite sold on your design for open toed combat boots.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
In regards to your beeping saddle shoes for walking backwards. …

· “Lori Loughlin Asks for Passport Back Following College Admissions Scandal Prison Sentence” — Then it’s straight to International House of Pancakes.

· “Jennifer Lopez Admits She and Alex Rodriguez Went to Therapy Amid COVID-19 Pandemic — “ “…and then, Doctor, I caught him fist bumping the cabana girl.”

· “Justin Timberlake Apologizes to Ex Britney Spears and Janet Jackson After Backlash” — “And while I’m at it, I take full responsibility for being the lookout at a Citibank® heist in 2003.”

· “Former Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Calls Dale Moss and Clare Crawley Split ‘Disappointing’” — Question: How long can…

· The only time I’ve felt comfortable in a crowd was at my intervention.

· Show me a lonely billionaire, and I’ll show you someone incapable of building a robot friend.

· I know I should love myself, but I’m not ready for a committed relationship.

· I cried because I had no shoes until someone said, “You have lovely toes.”

· I don’t like to rush people. Whenever I take someone’s picture, I always say, “Count to 250 and say cheese.”

· Bad conversation starter: Nice shopping cart. Where did you steal it?

· You are on a train…

South Dakota Republican Rep Dusty Johnson asked his constituents to decide whether he should receive the COVID-19 vaccine now or wait until it is widely available. The response has been so strong, Johnson has decided to poll his voters on other issues.

· “Should I order pepperoni or sausage on my pizza”?

· “If my wife is out and I get a phone call asking, ‘Is the woman of the house is there,’ should I say no or fake a woman’s voice and say, ‘This is she.’”

· “Hypothetically speaking, if my political opponent claims he has a video of…

· Move the children’s table out to the tool shed.

· Point obnoxious relatives, who expend potentially lethal particles while explaining why Trump actually won the election, in the direction of an open window.

· Warm chestnut stuffing is very pliable. Still, covering your face with it is no substitute for a mask.

· Always get tested before and after cranberry sauce wrestling.

· During family Zoom gatherings, make sure the children leave the room before Uncle Jeffrey Toobin logs on.

· Don’t share food or drink with anyone. As an added precaution, dogs should drink out of separate toilets.

Ben Alper

Ben Alper has written for late night comedians and many others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store