We’re often told: “trust your instincts” or “trust your gut.”

That may be true some or most of the time. But all of the time? Here are ten instinctive moves that should’ve waited for a second.

· What if it’s just a cold sore? Tongue, prepare to launch. I’m going in for a big smooch.

· Do you believe every “Danger: Shallow Water” sign you read? Watch me do a reverse flip dive.

· Yes, my entrée looks like it’s breathing, but our waitress did say it was an optical illusion.

· His Linkedin profile name is Hannibal Lector Jr…


Four score and, like, seven years ago our fathers, like, brought forth upon this continent, a new nation, like, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to, like, the proposition that, like, all men are, like, created equal.

Now we are, like, engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or, like, any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can, like, long endure. We are met on, like, a great battle-field of that war. We have come to, like, dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for, like, those who here gave their lives that that…


I used to obsess about my deficiencies Now I embrace them For example I used to beat myself up over being bad at punctuation Now I never worry about it

For years I hated what I perceived was my inability to have a normal relationship with another person Once I stopped trying to be perfect or even slightly less than middling I became a happier person Soon I developed a deep and meaningful relationship with a man or it might have been woman named Charlie whom I’ve never met in person but who loves me for what I am and…


She — I’m not ashamed of having a smoking hot nose. Sure, there are down sides; like always having to tell guys: “Hey, my eyes are up here, no, up another inch.” And people are constantly asking if I’ve had an implant. Hell no, I was born schnoz-alicious.

Jealous friends can be cruel, but I always say, don’t hate me because I have a sizzling snoot. If you’ve got it, flaunt it — and during the cold and flu season, blow it.

He — When God created me, he must’ve said, “Give him the Jamie Farr and don’t skimp.” I’m…


I admire super heroes for using their super powers to fight bad guys, stand up for the less-than-super folks and generally help mankind when mankind needs a helping iron fist.

I also believe that, given their exemplary service to society, super heroes are entitled, now and then, to use their super human gifts for purely selfish gain. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who spends 24/7 fighting evil deserves some occasional super hero me time.

Yes, doing good for your fellow man should be a reward in and of itself. Still, there should be a few other benefits.

I have…


I’m finally learning to love myself. It’s been a long journey. At first, I wouldn’t give myself the time of day. Gradually, though, I loosened up and gave me a chance.

It began with a magical night to remember. After months of gathering my strength, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and popped the question: “Would I care to have dinner with me?” How could I refuse? Looking back, I realize I should have asked sooner. The answer would have always been yes.

I didn’t play easy, though. It was my third date before I gave me a…


Years from now when a descendant searches for his or her ancestors using one of those DNA kits and my name pops up, will I do them proud?

Perhaps it’s time for me to get my legacy in order. The question is how?

· Should I launch an expedition in search of a long, lost continent or hike to the nearest neighborhood with an outstanding coffee shop?

· Maybe it’s time I cancel my upcoming appearance on “Hoarders.”

· It might also be the time to finally unfriend Geraldo Rivera on Facebook.

· Should I burn every unflattering picture of…


Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for submitting your most recent invention. Very impressive. However, we do not anticipate a growing market for self-tapping shoes at this time.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
A pair of two left loafers for awkward people with two left feet is an intriguing idea, but we are going to pass on it.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Though stylish as they may be, the U.S. Army Procurement Department is not quite sold on your design for open toed combat boots.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
In regards to your beeping saddle shoes for walking backwards. …


· “Lori Loughlin Asks for Passport Back Following College Admissions Scandal Prison Sentence” — Then it’s straight to International House of Pancakes.

· “Jennifer Lopez Admits She and Alex Rodriguez Went to Therapy Amid COVID-19 Pandemic — “ “…and then, Doctor, I caught him fist bumping the cabana girl.”

· “Justin Timberlake Apologizes to Ex Britney Spears and Janet Jackson After Backlash” — “And while I’m at it, I take full responsibility for being the lookout at a Citibank® heist in 2003.”

· “Former Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Calls Dale Moss and Clare Crawley Split ‘Disappointing’” — Question: How long can…

Ben Alper

Ben Alper has written for late night comedians and many others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

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