I believe anything I read or hear that includes the words “experts say.”
I trust all experts, even ones wearing propeller beanies. Why? According to Randall Gasket, chairman of the Kalamazoo Community College Department of Hipster Studies, “What’s not to believe?”
When writers, authors and Tik Tok-ers quote experts, they are telling you: “If you don’t believe me, listen to this egg head.”
Would you believe information not backed up by quotes from experts? Not according to Felicity Punder of Punder Research and Polling: “Eighty-four percent of our respondents, ages zero to 307 believe anything they read that includes the phrase “Most Mensa members say.”
You should believe them, too, even if you’ve never heard of the expert or the college, company or coffee shop at which they reside; because it’s an indisputable fact, according to Professor Emeritus Franklin Cockburn, Ed.D., MSW, IOU at Boola Boola State College.
To be clear, the phrase, “experts say” should never be confused with the oft-repeated Trumpian expression “a lot of people tell me,” which invariably points to foolish falsehoods.
Are experts infallible? “Absolutely,” says author and recent parolee John Clintoff. “I especially trust the smart and insightful investors in my new cryptocurrency startup.”
Dr. Daniel Spivak, author of I Met 1000 Women on Tinder Claiming to be Beyonce puts it another way: “If I didn’t believe everything I read, I wouldn’t have met my current wife, Bella Hadid.”
Spivak, who is currently researching his next book, I Scream Footnotes During Sex, emphasizes the importance of professional opinions: “Any fool can say two and two equals four. It never hurts to have it confirmed by an obscure mathematician from a small, Welsh technical college.”
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I still wonder if I over-rely on expert opinions. But according to my online therapist, an Instagram influencer with over fifty followers, I can never be too careful — except when waiting over an hour at a Yield sign.
On a more personal note, according to my wife I’m a gullible fool.
Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”
