Late Night Monologues Through the Ages — Fall of the Western Roman Empire

Hail everyone.

Well, the big story this week has been the fall of the Roman Empire.

I would’ve heard about it sooner, but I was in the communal toilet extricating myself from a bad dish of lamb’s brain.

There’s no stability in the government. How bad is it? Three of my writers are deposed emperors and the fourth is a laid-off gladiator.

A lot of people are blaming the Empire’s fall on moral decay — at least that’s what I’m hearing from my wife who used to be my slave that I castrated.

Now you didn’t hear it from me, but things were never the same after we were invaded by Attila the Hun. Nothing personal but never trust anyone who’s name ends with “the Hun” — or begins with “barbarian king.”

Whoaa, I can see we have some barbarians in the audience. Don’t be so sensitive. My sister-in-law is a barbarian. My brother met her at a Raping and Pillaging mixer.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”