My Totally Uninformed Take on Actual Celebrity News Headlines

· “Lori Loughlin Asks for Passport Back Following College Admissions Scandal Prison Sentence” — Then it’s straight to International House of Pancakes.

· “Jennifer Lopez Admits She and Alex Rodriguez Went to Therapy Amid COVID-19 Pandemic — “ “…and then, Doctor, I caught him fist bumping the cabana girl.”

· “Justin Timberlake Apologizes to Ex Britney Spears and Janet Jackson After Backlash” — “And while I’m at it, I take full responsibility for being the lookout at a Citibank® heist in 2003.”

· “Former Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Calls Dale Moss and Clare Crawley Split ‘Disappointing’” — Question: How long can you call yourself “Former Bachelorette” before your friends start to say, “It’s time to move on with your life.”

· “Hailey Bieber shares touching tribute to her ‘Valentine’ Justin Bieber with PDA-filled slideshow with snaps from their wedding and tropical getaways” — “And here’s a shot of our hotel maid in the bathroom wrestling an iguana.”

· “Chris Pratt proves he’s willing to go the distance for love as he flies back from Australia to celebrate Valentine’s Day with wife Katherine Schwarzenegger” — His final relationship test will be learning to spell “Schwarzenegger.”

· “Brooke Burke EXCLUSIVE: The Dancing with The Stars vet, 49, reveals her top FIVE secrets for looking as good as she did when she was in her 20s” — Number One secret: Never appear in public without wearing a hazmat suit.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”